“A flower blooming in the desert proves to the world that adversity, no matter how great, can be overcome.”
– Matshona Dhliwayo
“So I don’t have to feel anxiety anymore?”
Read my story below […]
H ello there.
My name is Mara Angelica Carrillo Wesson but I go by Angeli. It is a derivative of my spiritual name, Anjali. You can read how I got my spiritual name [here].
Statistically speaking, I shouldn’t be alive.
Why Bad Things Happen to Good People
“God is not the author of our misfortunes but rather the source of help and strength.”
All of these misfortunes were gems in disguise. They made me realign quicker to what was authentic and thriving to me… and quickly, with RTT!
“I ticked all the boxes …”
On paper, at one point or another, I did all the milestones that supposedly cause happiness.
The problem was that I kept doing them…and still wasn’t happy.
“Been there. Done that. Got the T-Shirt.”
People-pleasing is a symptom of anxiety.
syfF rom as early as I can remember, I always wanted to be the “good girl.” I did everything in my power to make my parents proud. From good grades to being first at Sunday school, I understood that the best to honor God was to give to others. With this same “can do” attitude, I gave to my partner & children…
“Do this and you will become happy.”
On paper, at one point or another, I did all the milestones that supposedly cause happiness. I was that Grade A student and daughter, the loving wife, the doting mother. The problem was that I kept doing that…and becoming happy seemed fleeting.
Cognitive dissonance shatters with new information.
Fast forward to a couple of years later, I was looking at myself in the mirror trying to put on makeup, heading to the final decree at divorce court. I was in the middle of my left eyelid, when this thought came to me, “How did you get here, having to put a second coat… of eyeshadow?”
I had to step back and see where I was at that moment.
I was putting a second coat of eyeshadow makeup because I had bought the best of the cheapest makeup available from my local dollar store. I couldn’t buy quality brands because there wasn’t enough money to do so. The food stamp card in my wallet at the time reminded me of that fact.
But why did I need to put a second coat? It was partly because of cheap makeup. The truth was the first coat of pigment didn’t cover the scar over my eyelid. The scar that the man who told me who loved me multiple times, created by swinging a thick corning-ware glass lid into my face. Because I bothered his cooking, six stitches were needed to seal the gash above my eye.
The physical scar had healed. Yet here I was trying to cover up this fact as if nothing had happened… again.
I had to take a deep breath and see a deeper look in the mirror. I saw a tired, resentful, broken down overweight woman… getting dressed in ill-fitting clothes… anxiously trying to gain some control of her own life back.
That true moment of just looking back at that reflection that I knew: THIS is not me. I NEED to change this…and fast.
Got the T-Shirt*.
Familiarity bred contempt with unhelpful self-help & partial therapy. Then a tailored program arrived…
I started searching how to get out of this rut like if my hair was on fire. Prior to landing with Marisa Peer and RTT® Therapy, I found some great teachers along the way. I do have to thank Anthony Robbins, Mel Robbins, Melanie Tonia Evans, and Thais Gibson for their invaluable steps along my journey. They gave some some inkling of what gave partial relief.
I also found some great teachers that taught me NOT the way.
How could I trust people that didn’t understand how I’m anxious?
A therapist that has only read about domestic violence doesn’t understand the sheer, real terror of being threatened with my life, or being torn away from the life of my children. I’m still grateful for the hotline sheets for help…but it didn’t calm my fears. Trauma hits different when the perpetrator is still loose.
It also made zero sense to me speaking to a nutritionist that has never been overweight. “Just let go of the bread” sounds so trite at 8pm when I felt I was starving. The nutritionist couldn’t explain how the physical agony wasn’t hunger. The nutritionist didn’t understand the very real physical symptoms of anxiety.
*Yes, I do have the T-Shirt from Arizona State University where I took Microeconomics so many years ago. I also have a Bachelor’s degree in International Business.
I still am grateful every day for RTT ® to show me how to emotionally regulate. It is not necessary to have external proof like a tshirt. It is the internal work and reframing of the roles and purpose that anxiety had in my life.
This peace through RTT of accepting the function of anxiety, kept me alive during uncertain times.
Recognizing the intention behind anxiety allowed me to manage it & bring my life to new levels!